


my online journal

by mad_rawdogger



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Dating, Death, Diary, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Journal, LGBT, LGBTQ, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary, Other, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Transphobia, True Stories, enby, homophobic, if you have literally any triggers i wouldn't read, lgbtq+, non-binary, non-fiction, pet death, queer, really fucked up, transphobic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-17 22:51:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 58
Words: 14,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20628854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mad_rawdogger/pseuds/mad_rawdogger
Summary: IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS PLEASE DON'T READ, SUPER MESSED UP, LOTS OF SELF-HARM AND ABUSEthis is just going to me whining about my shit life, sometimes raving about when it's not so shit, literally just a vent don't even read it i just want to scream into the void that is the internet





	1. Introductions/The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> if you're friends with me i have no idea what the fuck you're doing here but hi ig
> 
> everything posted today, 9/13/19, is from my wattpad and i'm just moving it over to here so if you want stuff that's recent skip to the last chapter and wait for updates idfk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: detailed talk and description of self-harm

Hey 👋, my name is Victoria, and I'm thirteen years old as I'm writing this. The date is 1/25/19. I'll be fourteen in exactly thirty-two days.

I should probably start with how I got into self-harm, yeah? Well, the thing is, I thought for the longest time that the only form of self-harm that counted was cutting. Or...maybe I didn't realize all of the other things I was doing, _were_ self-harm. The first thing I ever remember as self-harm is how I scratched at mosquito bites, then picked the scabs until they wouldn't bleed anymore. I was usually bored, and then it just became a habit. It was a while before I started doing it to hurt myself, and then I started doing it to see myself bleed.

I had a weird thing for that. Still do, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't remember exactly when I cut for the first time, but I remember everything about it. The blade I used was a rinky-dinky little box-cutter I stole from my dad's stuff in our garage. Since I was a huge wuss and couldn't handle pain, like, at all, what I did was I pushed as hard as I had the nerve for, and dragged, over and over again until I got blood. No, I didn't even draw blood! It came a little later, still don't understand how that works. Moving on, the way I continued to hurt myself was that I picked at the scab the wound made, the same as if it was just another mosquito bite. I did this for probably a month because the scab just got bigger and bled more for the longest time until it turned into a scar.

I believe I was twelve at the time. _Maybe _eleven.

After that, the only way I continued to hurt myself was through picking scabs from pimples or bites for a while. It was mid-January when I found a real blade, I saw it sitting in the bathroom amid the stuff my dad used to put in a new window, and I obviously took it. Let me give you a little backstory about the reason why I took it.

I admired cutters.

Yeah, I'm that brand of messed up.

I had always wanted to cut, and I have a few journal entries about how much I wanted to cut, but couldn't because I was the world's biggest wuss. But...I saw an opportunity in that blade.

Anyway, the first place I cut was on my arm. Obviously. Since I was _still_ a huge effing wuss the cuts weren't noticeable at all. Looked like carpet burn at most. I never got a good scar out of the cuts I made with that blade, still disappointed about that. My cuts were sporadic at best, and they were only five in each session at most. I think the most I ever cut in a month with that blade was forty-three, which is small potatoes compared to what I've done since. The only other place I cut with that blade was on my thigh, but I have since cut over both areas. Thoroughly.

The reason I stopped cutting with that blade is that when I tried to sharpen it, it actually dulled it. (Frick you kitchen knife sharpener-thingy.) But yeah, after that I didn't cut for a good while, but after so long I needed to cut again, needed that release. So, I went on the hunt. I can't remember if I took a knife from the kitchen, or if I started up again after I got my own knife. I'm going with the former because that seems more likely to me ***shrug***

A bit after I had been using whatever knife I found worked best, I asked my mother why I couldn't have a knife like my brother, who had three or four at the time. So, he just took one out of his pocket and handed it to me. (I was a little excited if you hadn't already guessed.) I didn't immediately think to use it for my cutting, but it dawned on me within a few weeks of having it. The way I used it wasn't how you would think, because the blade was half teeth and half regular blade.

Here's what I did the first time I used it: I pressed the teeth down on my thigh as hard as I could, then picked it up, and did the same thing again. I repeated this process for a while, during which I think I was watching a movie on my PlayStation. When the movie was over, I put the knife away and headed off to bed. Within a minute after I had turned my lights off, the bruise on my thigh started to itch like crazy. So I got up, got the blade, and started slashing at it. The skin tore open easily, as I'm sure you guessed. The only way I can explain the feeling I had as I felt the blood on my fingertips was...relief.

Pretty messed up right?

Anywho, I suppose the last thing I should tell you is how many times I've cut. Fun fact, I have kept track of all but two cuts that I have ever made. So I can give you a pretty exact number, and a schedule if any of you really wanted to know.

(Let me know if you do and I'll post it sometime in the future.)

** _ Six hundred, and eighty-one _ **

(as of my last 'session'.)


	2. ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: religion mention; self-harm mention; tw suicidal ideations mention

How the fuck am I supposed to live my life to the fullest, to enjoy my teenage years, when I am every single one of these things every day as far back as I can remember?

They say that depression makes you a different person and those that have had it since they were younger struggle with self-identity. 

_Is this not me?_

Some days I get bad, I don't talk and sometimes I don't eat. 

You would think that since I'm a Christian I wouldn't be like this. Like, W.T.F God. I have prayed for so long that this would end. 

There was a time that I was happy. My relationship with God was as strong as it has ever been, and life was good. Want to guess how long that lasted?

Less than a month.

I had quit cutting, for good. But...I got stupid and said something that was misconstrued which led to my sobbing and eventual relapse. I haven't told anyone about it. No single person in the world knows that I've relapsed and that I am not fucking okay. Except you, I suppose. 

Do you really count though? I don't even know you, and it's not like we're ever going to talk to each other. I doubt you'll even vote on this. Who would vote on something like this anyway? I don't know why I decided to do this. Maybe so I could tell _someone_ that my life is so fucking fucked.

Let me explain you a thing really quickly:

I'm a gamer, I love to play video games and always have. I remember playing Frogger on my brother's PS1 when I was little, watching him play that Spiderman game for hours because it was the coolest thing in the world to me. Anyway, fast-forward to the PS3, my brother and I had the same friends on the console because we had to share, but we had the main group. Kaivon, Owen, Ash. Us five are the original. We have since expanded our tight-knit group to a few more, but we're going to focus on Ashton for this story. My brother has never been the...greatest, let's put it that way. I wasn't close to him for a long time after he was eleven or so, and he's three years older than me. You get the picture, anyway. Ashton and I grew close, really close. Along the line we adopted each other, I'm his little 'sissy' and he's my big brother, and we love each other like crazy. He was the closest thing I had to a family for a really long time, so you can kind of guess how much he meant to me. I told him everything, and he listened. He was there for me. He hates that I cut, and when I had one of my worse days, I told him it wasn't his fault but mine. He was upset, rightly so. After a while, he told me he didn't care anymore because nothing he did could make me stop, and then he stopped talking to me altogether. He read the messages, I could see that clearly, but he never responded. This _killed_ me, as you can only imagine. I quit only a few days later. (I'm a little surprised I didn't kill myself now, but it wasn't really on my radar at the time.) I haven't told anyone as I said earlier, and that includes him. I die on the inside a little everytime I tell him "I'm fine." "Everything's great." 

Some days I'm telling the truth, but let's be honest with ourselves. Those days are few and far between which I'm sure you could deduct for yourselves. 

Alright, I think I'm done. 

2/2/19, finished writing at 2:25 am. Publishing now without editing later, please keep in mind.


	3. I was raped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hey, future me here, i wasn't actually raped i'm just being dramatic in this entry)   
tw: use of the word rape(obviously); semi-nonconsensual sex

Yeah, you bet your fucking ass I was raped. Not in the way you think though, allow me to explain.

(I will be speaking as though this is happening in the moment, don't want ya'll to be confused)

I've had three best friends for a long time: Meghan, Addi, and Adam-who is hella gay. When I go to Youth Group every Wednesday night I'm hanging out with these three, whether all at once or only one of them, depends on if they come that night. Since Meghan, Addi and I are all teenage girls there's obviously going to be a hangout at one of our houses at some point. And that's exactly what Addi and I did! Addi and her friend Red picked me up from my house at around one, and we drove to Addi's house which took twenty minutes at most I think. Once we got inside the first thing we did was go to Addi's room, obviously. My GOD, her room is a disaster! Addi then made both Red and I to clean her room with her until four! (I'm still wtf-ing over that to this day) After that ordeal, we went into their guest bedroom and messed around for a while, about thirty minutes before dinner we went to the park and walked the trail there(Red and Addi are 'mediums' and I rolled my eyes more than I have in my life in the twenty minutes we walked), and then we sat down when we got back to the playground area of the park. Beth-Addi's mom-picked us up, we ate dinner(was awesome), and then we went back to the guest room. Then we had to drop Red off at her house, we drove back blah blah blah. After a little longer in the guest room, Addi suggested that I stay the night so we could talk more. So, I called my mom to see if I could, and she said yeah. By the time she and my dad dropped off everything I'd need to stay the night and go home in the morning, it was time to change into our pajama's and head to bed. We obviously didn't go to bed as that would make this a really boring and pointless story. No, we played some really perverted games of Would You Rather and Truth Or Dare. (This is where it goes downhill) On a dare, Addi just told me to close my eyes and put my hair up. Which I did, and I still think that was pretty stupid of me. Anyway, Addi then gave me my 'first kiss' which was like, the most important thing to me because I wanted to save it for someone I at least _liked_. Stupid, I know. After that awkwardness on my part, Addi took my hand and put it on her snatch, telling me to rub her. At the time, I thought I wanted it even though there was this weird feeling in my stomach. So, I did what she asked. And when she put her hand in her shorts, then told me to suck on her fingers, I did that too. I did what she wanted because I thought I wanted it too. I fucked her with a hairbrush, then with a hairbrush and my tongue. I hated it at that point. I wanted to pull back but Addi had a very firm grip on my head, almost suffocating me with how hard she was pushing me into her. By the time she got off and I cleaned myself up, she was asleep. As I laid down next to her, I thought about what had just happened. Really, thought about it. 

Then I realized I was crying. 

I knew I couldn't sleep next to her, so I went and slept on the couch. It was the first of many nights where I would cry myself to sleep. 

Anyway, I ate breakfast with her family the next morning as if nothing had happened, and I went home with my mom. I had mild PTSD for probably two months afterward. I eventually told my mom, who then told Beth. My mom told me that Beth talked about how maturely I handled the situation, and I was a bit proud of that. Still am, to be honest.

(Obviously not friend with her anymore, bit of a nobrainer, thought I'd add it anyway)

Yep I'm done now, no self-harm in this one. Thought I might add this anyway, make this book full of my most horrible memories too. I dunno, it's a thought.

Finished writing 1:05 am 2/6/19, publishing now. Unedited, keep in mind.


	4. Love and Happiness

I have only been as happy when I was with Jacob, _once._

**One fucking time.**

** _And it was taken away from me just like he was._ **

** _ GOD FUCKING FUCK CAN I JUST BE HAPPY FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS?! _ **

please..?

3:20 am 2/6/19


	5. The Gay Agenda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: religion

**...is to be loved.**

_What's up fuckers? Ya bitch is back with another sob story._

Alrighty, lemme start with telling ya'll I'm pansexual-i.e. Hearts Not Parts.

Anywho, being a part of the LGBTQ+ community and being a Christian is a mess. Also, having the most e x t r e m e Christian for a mother is awesome, knowing that she'll never accept me for shit. How do I know this for sure? She told me, duh.

I don't think I can properly explain how much being a pansexual Christian with the mother that I have affects me. I will tell you this, I have had more breakdowns and meltdowns and 3am sob sessions and self-harm sessions than I care to count because of it. Yay.

Yah that's it thanks for readin'

** _(also tbh I'm fuckin' done with guys yee goin' lesbian)_ **

2/10/19 Finished writing 4:21pm, publishing unedited.


	6. Sexuality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: religion

Let's be real, I've always known that I'm an 'abomination' in God's eyes. I've accepted that, and I just, _just_, recently started to accept that God still loved me and always would. 

Basically, my mother wants me to never act on the pansexual side of myself, regardless of the fact that I fall in love with girls and trans-people and everyone else besides cisguys.

I mean, fuck my happiness, right?

....I don't know what to do. I know I should follow God's rules for us, and I know that my mother wants me to follow them too, but what about what I want? 

_ **The Christian Philosophy^TM-it doesn't matter what you want, only what God tells you.** _

...i am so sick of this....why can't I just be me?

If any of you have any kind of advice for me, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe just a vote, know I'm not alone. Now, I know you're thinking 'oh this bitch just wants votes, what a whore', but I don't fucking care about votes or reads. I just want to know I'm not alone here, alright? Give me a break.

2/14/19 Finished writing 7:59pm, publishing now-unedited


	7. Yay sexual harassment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (idfk know what this even was)  
tw: sexual harassment

There's a Discord called Sappic World, really cool server, honestly. But. If you intend to join this server, do _not_ accept or talk to a user named Gluttony. Her name is Julia, and she is a bisexual. You can find that information and more in the 'introductions' tab on the server. She grew a friendship with me, and we dated for a little while before she confided in me that she was a 'sex addict'. She then demanded sexual pictures from me, while _knowing_that I was underage and anything sexually themed was very much illegal. 

**DO NOT CHAT WITH HER!!! DO NOT ACCEPT FRIEND REQUESTS FROM HER!!!**

Otherwise yeah the server is really cool and I have had a wonderful experience with the people there, with the exception of Julia of course. 

** _IF YOU HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY HARASSED, SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, OR RAPED, PLEASE TELL SOMEONE!!!!! I PROMISE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 _ **

And ladies-or men-if a girl does anything to you that would be described as one of the things listed above, it does not make your story any less valid. People will give you shit, but who gives a flying fuck? It might be hard, but honestly just ignore them. Giving them the attention they are very clearly trying to get is not going to do you any favors.

Stay safe out there people, peace! ✌️

2/16/19 Finished writing 1:37pm, publishing now


	8. Salvation Army everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: extreme homophobia; wishing someone's death; religion

See, this is why I have no fucking faith in the human race.


	9. yay birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talk of self-harm, semi-detailed; religion

Turned fourteen today. That's cool I guess. Only one of my friends remembered, so I've had a fun day so far. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to relapse today tho, so...

We haven't had an entry about self-harm in a while, crazy huh?

Yeah, I'm going to cut a shitton then hop in the shower, double pain. I'm pretty excited about it, to be honest. This is the third time I told myself that I would quit cutting in under, like, six months. 

I'm beginning to think that God is a _bit_ of a bitch, which is super un-Christian of me, I know. What am I supposed to think with the life I've had? I'm being one hundred percent serious here, am I _honestly_ supposed to be some gay-hating, heterosexual view, Bible-thumper, that wears _dresses_ and goes to church _every_ Sunday? _With_ all of the shit I've been through?

No siriebob, that's not the life for me. If God wanted me to be like that He should have fucking done something about it. If He wanted me to quit cutting _mAYBE _**HE SHOULD FUCKING INTERVENE IN MY LIFE FOR ONCE!!!**

** _ fuck. him. _ **

2/26/19 Written @3:15pm publishing now

(now sorry lolz 30 mins later)


	10. More whining about my birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: serial killer mention; self-harm

So I didn't relapse last night. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too. Of course, I disappoint myself every day so that's nothing new.

Anywho, the thing that I'm going to be whining about in this chapter is my birthday. Basically, I'm going to recount to you what shit happened, particularly what didn't happen. 

My mother wakes me up like a bitch, so the very first moment of my birthday is annoyed. We have cake for breakfast, because we celebrated my birthday the day before, for 'reasons'. I then did school for most of the day(I forget what lunch was), then we went to see HTTYD:THW in theaters, getting there around 5:20ish. Got Little Caesars on the way home, ate yummy pizza. About two hours later my mother and I sat down to watch TV, and since there was nothing on I asked if we could watch a scary movie and she said yes. --

**((SIDE TANGENT:** I _love_ horror, and everything gore and scary and disturbing. Dark web mystery boxes, serial killer documentaries, creepypasta readings, I watch all of these on youtube obsessively.**))**

\--I was really excited, so I switched to Netflix to browse their horror movie selection, and when I found The Conjuring I was practically bouncing in my seat(I hadn't seen the movie yet, but I have seen Annabelle:Creation, which was PHENOMENAL) when I asked if we could watch that, and again, she said yes. We were six minutes into the movie when my mother tells me to pause it, saying that her brother told her that is was worse than The Exorcist, which scarred her when she was a kid. Meaning, she wasn't going to watch the movie, much less let me. She then walked away because my father called her, so I waited for about fifteen minutes to see if I could convince her, but I was only letting my anger grow. I hopped in the shower, feeling angry and sad and so very confused. I made up a really cool argument, but by the end of my shower I just wanted to cut, and to die pretty much. I turned on my PlayStation to watch depressing videos to get me at my peak Depressed AF^TM mood for optimal cutting, but I got distracted and ended up crawling in my bed to cry some more. 

Today? Still mad. I have to go to Youth Group in about twenty minutes now, so that's going to be fun. None of my friends, irl or online, wished me a happy birthday yesterday except one. I didn't get any presents either, but my brother did. His birthday was on the third, my eldest brother and his wife got him a really cool framed MARVEL:INFINITY WAR picture. So yeah I'm having a good time. What I'm thinking about doing is bringing my knife with me to YG and cutting myself in the bathroom. 

Scandalous, cutting in a church bathroom.

It'll be a new one for me, another fucked up milestone in my shit life. So excited. I don't even know if I'm going to do it, I'll probably lose my nerve once I get there, but here's to hoping. 

Helga, I'm fantasizing now. My thighs kind of itch now. Well, I'll update sometime soon to let ya'll know. See ya on the flipside.

2/27/19 Written 5:42pm, publishing now 


	11. The update I promised ya'll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: detailed talk and descriptions of self-harm; blood

So I did cut last night, but it didn't happen how I thought it would. Let me explain-

Alright, so I'm at One27(Youth Group name), right? My friend Lauren comes to talk to me, remembers my birthday, and give me a cough drop because she felt bad that I didn't get anything for my birthday XD I had a really good time the entirety of the night, my small group was a blast with the new girls. Total dorks! Anyway, I got home and ate dinner-which was awesome-, and a bit later my mother said that we could finish The Conjuring!!!! I loved the movie, and when it was over I was in _such_ a good mood! But...my father being who he is had to absolutely destroy it because he _can_ I guess. So obviously I started crying, and I cried during most of brushing my teeth. So I went to my room and watched depressing and horrible videos on YouTube to get myself in the Mood^TM to cut. 

Twenty fresh cuts on my hip, my knife looked gorgeous with the blood literally dripping off of it. I brushed against my hoodie, and now there's a huge patch of blood on the sleeve XD Nobody's made a comment about it yet, so I guess it's not noticeable. My hip is totally my favorite place to cut. It bleeds the most, that's for damn sure. Helga, you would not believe how painful it was to pull up my pants this morning, **it was awesome!!! **

lol im so fukin messed up

2/28/19 Written 3:12pm, publishing now


	12. Woops

*is actually a raging lesbian


	13. Imma bish I kno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm mention

Like the title says, I'm a bitch, I _know. _I really should update this more often but eh, I have a reputation to uphold. 

So, I've quit cutting. Again.

History tells me that it won't last, but maybe it will. I have something I didn't last time, Melanie. Now, Ash, if you ever read this(which'll only happen if I've killed myself, so, sorry bout that), I know you were there for me, and you still are now I'm sure, but you're not _here_. You can't walk up to me and confront me, you can't hug me, and most importantly, you can't give me your shoulder to cry on. 

But Melanie? She can.

Lil explanation, Melanie is my small group leader at One27 and she is the one person that I am closest to in my life right now. 

The reason I quit? Around three weeks ago now, we were talking about some..._issues_...I'm having with my sexuality, religion, and my mother. At the end, after a moment of silence, she told me how _**proud**_ she was of me for not cutting. If hearing _that_ didn't break me, then the hour long bone-crushing hug she gave me after would have. I _can't_ knowingly cut myself after that. 

If you're just reading this for my cutting stories, that's fine, I'll probably still post chapters about that. But at this moment in my life, I am not going to pick up my blade. I'll have the thoughts, the urges, and I'll even fantasize about it, but I am _not_ going to cut myself anymore. 


	14. ,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm

I don't think ya'll fucking understand what it's like to be me right now. I want to cut _so_ badly, I cannot physically explain how much other than telling you how I have to clench my muscles and fidget and flex my hands every few seconds. Did you know that cutting can be a physical addiction? Did you know that you can have withdrawal that completely destroys your state of mind? I didn't either. Until now. 

The most fucked up part about this? _I know I won't._

The other three times I relapsed before it _ever_ got this bad. Before, I had my family to think about, both irl and online. How completely fucked up is it that I only have the strength now? The only person I have is Melanie, who is my _s__ m a l l g r o u p l e a d e r. _

All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. 

If I don't I think I'm going to break.

_who am I kidding, we all know i've broken already_

3/20/19 Written 4:21 pm, publishing now


	15. Mothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drug mention; alcohol mention; self-harm mention; homophobic mother; transphobic mother mention

They're supposed to love you unconditionally, right? To support the life, or the path for your life, that you choose as long as it doesn't hurt you. Like drugs, or alcohol. Self-harm, those kinds of things. I think hearing and reading about mothers who changed for their daughters gave me an expectation for my own. I always knew deep down that she would never like it, but I had so much hope that she would change, that I would be the exception. 

I wasn't. 

I'm just waiting for the day she calls me a dyke. Maybe, if I'm lucky, she'll even call me a carpet-muncher. I hear that one's worse. 

She'll never accept, or even tolerate my sexuality because she sees it as a disease. Well, not literally. 

The funny thing is, we were just talking about a few days ago how I don't really have the urge/need/want to cut anymore. I was _so _fucking close to relapsing last night. 

Here's why:

We got in the discussion of pride last night, and what my mother thinks is that all pride is, is us sin-loving, God-hating, dykes/fags are announcing to the world who we like to have sex with. That's it. That's all pride is to my mother. A march to announce our sex life. Not to get gay-marriage legalized everywhere, not to erase the laws saying our employers can fire us simply because we're LGBTQ+. It's _so_ much worse for trans people. 

I have to live in this house, with this..._woman_, for another _four years_. 

Woo, looking forward to that. Not. 

Written yesterday and forgot to publish rip


	16. Woops

Heh

Might have relapsed


	17. Terror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm mention; homophobic and transphobic parent mention; fighting parents; alcohol mention

I am terrified that my children will be crying in their rooms alone, and I won't know.

I am terrified that my children will be afraid to tell me if they're LGBTQ+.

I am terrified that my children will be afraid that I would hurt them.

I am terrified that my children won't tell me when they lost their virginity because they think I'll react badly.

I am terrified that my children will ever think that I will disown them for _any_ reason. 

I am terrified that my children will be so broken that they start cutting. Or burning. Or hitting themselves. Or biting themselves. Or scratching. 

I am terrified that my children will start to self-harm, and I am especially terrified that it will be because of me. 

I am terrified that my children won't trust me.

I am terrified that my children will think that I won't support them, whether it be their sexuality, gender-identity, or what they want to do with their life.

I am terrified that my children will see my spouse and I fighting and think that it's normal to scream at each other.

I am terrified that my children will start drinking while they're underage.

_I am terrified that my children will grow up like I did._

**4/9/19 Finished writing 2:44 pm, publishing now **


	18. 236

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: detailed talk of self-harm

I was looking through the emails I sent to my ex, and I found this.

Two hundred and thirty-six in ten days......God, that still scares me. 


	19. Woops the third

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talk of self-harm

Ah, the thrilling saga continues. Twas the second, at around 1:20 in the afternoon. Another fifty to my count. Although, it was the longest time I've gone without relapse. 

I read quotes all the time about how 'relapse does not erase progress', and maybe there's some truth to that.

It's a nice thought, isn't it?


	20. My Mother and Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: fatphobic mother?; talk of being overweight/talk of weight

I know my Mom loves me, but she doesn't really show it in day-to-day life. I'll get a hug and 'I love you' when we go to bed sometimes, but still. My entire life it's always been about losing weight, eating healthier, wearing baggy and concealing clothes. I have never once heard that being overweight is okay. That I can love myself like this. I once asked my mother what she would do if she had the double-elbow thing I've got going on, and she said that she would never let anyone see them, and that she would do everything she could to get rid of them. 

I am trying so hard to love myself the way I am, and not the way I dream I could be, but...she keeps cutting at my progress with her words and actions. She tells me I'm beautiful, but she's focusing on my face and hair. Which is nice, I won't say that I don't appreciate it because that would be a lie, but I would like to hear that it's okay to be overweight, that I'll still be wanted. That I'm still desirable. 

I've never been known for my self-worth, I think you could've guessed. I would force myself into an eating disorder if I thought it would really help. Nah, I just skip meals every once and a while.

I am getting better. I am learning to love myself. Flaws and all. 

I'll be okay


	21. ,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm; suicidal ideations

I wish I could say I don't know what happy is. I think life would be easier that way, but I don't know that it would be. Not really. I mean, I thought I would be happy if I was attracted to men, but in reality, it only made my mother happy. She would rather I spend my life alone and miserable, without a partner of any sort, if it was a woman. She's never going to have grandchildren by me, and she is upset at me for it. 

Let's not even mention school.

I am so...lost, and broken and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start with asking for help. I know I probably need _some_ kind of therapy, but where would I start? What would it help, honestly?

**(this update is all over the place and I apologize for that, bear with me)**

I place my self-worth in how I do in life. How well I do in school, how many friends I have and how close I am to them, if I have a partner or not, if men are flirting with me or even harassing me, how well I do in video games for God's sake! And so far? I'm not really worth anything. I'm sure there are people that don't want me dead or hurting myself but come on, what does that even matter. Why do we put so much _value_ on the human life? Huh? 

I don't want to kill myself. I don't even want to cut! But I want myself to want to do it. Does that make sense? I want to want to kill myself so that I actually can. I'm so tired of living but I still want to live. I want to be in pain but I can't bring myself to do anything. Well, anything significant anyway. I wish I could stop being a fucking wimp and just do it. 

But I can't. 

I suppose that's a good thing, I'm sure you think it is anyway. Well, I would assume that you do.

**it's 1:33 am and i'm going to cry myself to sleep now. i'm gonna try and cut, i'll update tomorrow on if i did or not**

**((update-i didn't))**


	22. come listen to me whine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: homophobic family members; transphobic mother mention;

**Y'all know something dramatic happened when my bitchass updates this**

** _~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_**

It's a truly horrible thing when a young girl would rather close family members die before her wedding day, despite the tremendous amount of pain it would bring her, than see them curling their lip in disgust because she found love and happiness with a woman.

Who are these close family members, you ask?

While I am only thinking of two individuals in this particular instance, I'm almost certain that my mother's entire side of the family would not approve, my father's side as well, I won't get that far into it and will be talking about my mother's only brother, and my mother herself.

My uncle won't eat at Burger King because they support homosexuality, and he won't shop on Amazon for the same reasons, and I don't think I'm going to even touch my mother's opinion on transgender people.

And then there's my brother...he'll physically gag if he sees a same-sex couple holding hands. Holding. Hands.

Of course, a female couple isn't as bad because he thinks lesbians are 'hot'.

He has told me on several occasions that he _hates_ homosexuality of any kind. It's a damn near _murderous_ hate.

Which is kind of strange considering two of his closest friends in the world are both bisexual guys.

And his little sister is queer as fuck but whatever, moving on.

I love him dearly, but good _ZEUS_ he is such a fucking dick sometimes.

** _ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_ **

**(finished writing 11:15pm, originally written on a notepad with a pen because I'm a weirdo and I was too pissed to wait)**


	23. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm

did me an oopsie and slashed mahself   
about...sixty-two? i think? idk man but it's starting to burn something fierce on my back and _WHOO **BOY**_ did i miss this ya'll!


	24. My Wish

Y'know what would be great? If I could be with someone and not have to hide aspects of myself to feel safe. I mean, that would just be fucking fantastic. Be honest with me, does that not sound like the most amazing thing? You're at home with your best friend/partner/whoever, and you're makin' jokes, laughing till you can't breathe, and you make a pun/joke about your sexuality/gender identity/whatever and just _freeze_, expecting them to look disgusted or tense up and awkwardly try to change the subject. Instead, they look at you with a completely expressionless look, and just start _laughing_. Full belly, snorting, waving their hands like a retarded seal, genuinely laughing, and all of a sudden you just feel _free_. 

This is what I want. This is what I _need_. This, is my deepest wish in life to have. I wish I had somebody I could be myself around, completely free of expectations and judgment. 

Because hey, they're just as crazy as I am.


	25. lil self-hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-hate; homophobic mother; religion mention; self-harm mention

so let's start this out with i fucking hate myself and go from there

so on the twenty-seventh my mother gave me two books and a half dozen links to read and watch and they all basically told me this, 'homosexuality is so fucking wrong, f/gs and d/kes aren't allowed into heaven but it's okay bcuz you'll figure out that God is stronger than this sin'

which was obviously a _great_ time for me

see, I hated myself _before_, but now?_ WHOO_it's a _whole_ new level of self-hatred baby ;)

and on _top_ of _ALL_ of that my darling father keeps saying the exact same shit that made me cut for the first time well over a year ago now

_HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM IM HAVING A GREAT TIME IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED_

so yeah just want God to fuckin smite me but it's whatever it's not exactly new or anything


	26. bitching about nothing ig

I'm pretty sure I talked about how I tend to base my self-worth on how well I do in video games but if I haven't, uh, yeah. Anyway, I was playing a private match in Destiny 1 with my brother and our friend and the second I started getting kills they lost their goddamn minds like they always do. It doesn't matter that I literally never win a match or that Dawson was two _thousand_ points ahead of me, I was getting kills and that just wasn't acceptable. So the two _best_ players I know, that I am playing against, one decides to go after me exclusively, and the other decides to get sweaty with his setup. Fan-_fucking_-tastic.

It was a private match. A fUCKING PRIVATE MATCH. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR FUN, NOTHING SERIOUS OR SWEATY, JUST A FEW FRIENDS HANGING OUT AND MESSING AROUND TOGETHER.  
  
It's not even know I don't know why I still get so fucking pissed off about it, it a goddamn video game for Christ's sake, it's ridiculous.

whatever, this was a rant or something idfk


	27. updates on life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm

i'm back to cutting, once or twice a month now. whenever i need it, or if it's 3am and i want to i'll just do it without much thought.  
  
i realized i am non-binary today, so that's kinda cool ig. queer, non-binary, + demisexual. gettin' a tad complicated here boys, which is just awesome for my state of mind.  
  
i got back today from a weekend trip to Ohio to vist my dad's family, and i don't think i've ever had a better time with them all. particularly my cousin Charlotte, me and her got on like a house on fire, it was incredible. i'm very awkward and shy around people i don't know very well/aren't comfortable with, but she just dragged me into a conversation about aliens and for the next two hours we talked nearly the entire time. apparently, we have a lot in common. i was confused as to why it was so different this time 'round, but then i remembered that she was in an accident and has brain damage, which has taken away her inhibitions or something? i have no fucking idea, but what i do know is that she has _no_ filter. all of my dad's siblings swear, like him but a bit tamer, but before Sunday i don't think i had ever heard Charlotte swear. it was nice, having a girl to talk to about stuff. obviously it was nothing personal, as we were not alone and are definitely not that close yet. i see her once a year, _maybe_, so it might take a while to get there, if ever. and i got to meet the cutest little calico kitten, my aunt's newest cat. her name is Tilly and she is adorable and insane and i love her all in all? a fantastic trip, and i was probably the happiest i'd been in a long time. i really do treasure times like those, they don't come all that often. 


	28. fukin yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: religion mention; self-harm mention; transphobic friend(?)

so like, hi   
so i'm nonb and they/them, all that fun shit, and i'm thinkin about changin my name and all the feeling fuckery that come with that, and i have just been validated in the fact that i'm being stupid, cuz 'your name is pretty, why do you want to change it' or smthn like that and just-  
whOOO_OOOO**OOOOO**_ I AM FEELIN THE SELF-HATE TO_NIGHT_ BOIS  
i've been in like a real good place with God lately, and i fuckin love that, but i'm aboutta do somethin stupid and probs cut so, yay


	29. 7-21-19

Come out to Dad's side of the family? Maybe they'll accept me like Dawson does. Well, tolerate me anyway. Maybe just tell Charlotte?  
Or I could just come out on my wedding invitations. Even if I marry a man, I'll come out with my name. My _actual_ name, not my deadname. I think that would be cruel though, I respect some family members too much for that. Although, being that both sides of my family are religious, maybe they'll all act horrible, like my mother and would deserve it. I know my mother and her brother certainly won't be coming if I marry a woman or female-looking enby. Ugh, this isn't something I should be thinking about. It'll be _years_ before I marry, if I even do.


	30. a memory that makes me soft

so i'm gonna share a happy lil memory with ya'll. thought maybe i'd change things up a bit from being so depressing all the time

so i used to go to a Christian camp every summer from Tuesday-Monday whenever we decided which month was going to be our summer vacation month. my first two years at summer camp without any other family members i spent in the same tribe as this one girl Joslyn. we were best friends and she was awesome. after those two years, i didn't go the third, but the fourth i did. on one of the stops that we have on the way to camp(bcuz it's a five fucking hour bus ride and it was _brutal_ my dudes), i was standing in the corner of the building where the restrooms and vending machines were because there were like 200+ kids going in and out and i wasn't gonna shove my way to the vending machine like some common filth(lmao i was so much worse with crowds back then. like, i'm still bad, but i really have come a long way. anyway-), and as i was standing in the corner the crowd parts for a second like in the movies, and all i hear is a high pitched scream before this chick l i t e r a l l y_ throws_ herself at me in a tackle hug. that was Joslyn. and BOY HOWDY did she have a growth spurt. i'm talkin bout going from a 4 foot skinny pale freckle-faced twerp to a 6 foot grown woman with double d's. which was jarring, to say the least. but what i'm trying to say is that this chick that's i had only seen for a span of two weeks, two years apart, and had not seen for a full year, threw herself at me and hugged me _so excitedly_ because she missed me. 

so yeah, sue me, i'm kinda soft about it


	31. dysphoria is fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (most recent-obviously-, this is from the 10th)  
tw: transphobic parents; internal transphobia; dysphoria(obviously)

i've never really had any dysphoria that i can remember, or i've just mistaken it for insecurity or simple distaste. the things that _do_ give me dysphoria, as far as i can tell, are having long nails, being misgendered, being called *deadname*. pretty basic stuff, right? well last night (technically two nights ago since it's one in the morning, but you get the gist) i came out to my parents as trans, specifically nonbinary.

which was terrifying, obviously

but i mean yeah my mother reacted exactly how i expected her to, she denied it and she got mad and she told me i was and idiot and insane and basically called me a transtrender in so many more words.   
my father explained that he had no idea what in the fuck i was talking about but realized he grew up in a different generation than i did where this is mostly normal to me but completely bizarre to him. he also explained that there was no way in fuck that either of them were ever going to call me anything but their 'daughter' and *deadname* because that's who i am to them, and the only way i'll ever be in their minds.

which is understandable i suppose. disappointing, but understandable nonetheless

anyway, he's made it this little game of his to call me literally every gendered term under the sun every time he interacts with me. for example, 'hey can you put these inside baby girl?' 'thanks my darling princess' and so on. it was kind of funny the first few times he did it, but not so much anymore.   
and i came to a realization earlier. 1, he's not going to stop. 2, if this bothers me_ now, _imagine how it would make me feel on a _bad_ day. 3, i think he's doing this to..help me. in his own way. i think he's trying to desensitize me to the terms, because he knows, and i know, i'll be hearing them for the rest of my life and if i continue to let them bother me like this i'll never get anything done. and it's just absolutely _hilarious_ to him. 

it'd be easier if my parents didn't give two shits about me. it wouldn't hurt as much then. i wouldn't try to rationalize it if they didn't care about me. but they do. they're _doing_ this, _because_ they love me. because they think this is what's best for me.

it would also be nice if my mother even tried to look at this whole thing from my perspective rather than being a stubborn bitch about it. and if she would stop screaming at me that would be just _awesome_. 

but she won't. 


	32. my thoughts on my birthday

whenever my birthday rolls around i don't particularly look forward to the cake and presents and the general celebration of 'another year gone! oh you're so big now'. all i can think about when it comes to my birthdays is

'now i'll be respected that little bit more'

'maybe they'll listen to me now that i'm a year older'  
  


'maybe my opinion will matter now'

i'm only fourteen, i'm just some silly little kid to adults that doesn't understand anything and couldn't _possibly _hold an _actual _conversation about anything important. that's why i'm so hesitant about telling the friends i make how old i am, i feel like i'll lose their respect for me. especially the older ones, like my friend who is nineteen. or the one who's twenty-five. i'm so scared that they won't take me seriously or have a real conversation with me because of my age.

i know i'm still a child, and that i'm not the most mature person at times, but don't i deserve more than to be cast aside when people judge me on my age rather than my personality? i don't want a relationship with anyone over 17, and i'm certainly not ready to have sex yet, but i just wish that people would give me a chance begore discarding me. I have such good relationships with the nineteen and twenty-five year old girls i'm friends with, we get along so well and have such fun together, but i feel like if i told either of them how old i really am they either wouldn't want to be friend with me anymore or wouldn't talk to me like they did when they didn't know how old i was. 

my nineteen year old friend knows i'm a minor, but knowing someone is a minor and knowing that they're fourteen is completely different. and if i ask her what she thought of people my age she would for sure figure out why i'm asking. 

i don't want to risk either of the friendships i've made with these girls, but i feel bad being so vauge about my age

idk, maybe it wouldn't be so horrible telling them

idk


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: homophobic + transphobic mother; self-harm mention

i am _breaking_ and nobody notices because most days i'm fine, happy even. 

but then again

most days aren't like the others

_most_ days, i'm crying out for someone to love me  
for someone to _want _me

<strike>most days i can think of nothing more than the deep ache in my chest and the ever-growing pit in my stomach, calling out for someone to _stay_</strike>

<strike></strike>on a completely different note, i found out today that my mother told one of her sisters and her brother that, and i quote, 'think i'm gay'

she, apparently, thought i knew  


what bullshit

she knew full well that she never told me, and it wasn't like my aunt or uncle were going to say anything to me

God forbid we actually communicate in this family

  
i don't know if she said anything about me being trans/enby, but i plan on talking to her about that. maybe tomorrow. well, in a few hours technically. my aunt(the one she told) is sleeping in my mother's chair atm, and she's going to see my grandma with my mother sometime in the afternoon. i don't know how long she's going to stay after that, or if she's just going to go back to her house afterward. 

i think maybe the worst part about all of this is that my mother is still_ kind_. she is even loving. she truly believes that she is doing the right thing and i know she's doing this because she loves me. and i think that's horrible. she is _killing _me, and she's doing it out of love. 

i wonder if she knows how many of my scars are because of her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tl;dr, the world is cruel and cold and i hate it


	34. considering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk of self-harm, specifically cutting, big trigger warning  
(i'll be tagging all of the entries with tw's from now on, if they have them)

would it truly be _so_ horrible if i relapsed again and cut tonight?

the only reason i haven't is for Venus, my ex, and for Melanie, a woman i once considered more of a mother than my own

  
but i don't talk to either of them anymore, so what's the point?

i know it would make me feel better, i know i would love looking at the fresh cuts and i know i would love looking at the fresh scars they would one day become

it has been so long since i've gotten out my blade

but in reality, it only feels like it

it's only been about a month since i've cut

i haven't really had the urge, need, or want since

until tonight, of course

it scares me that i once cut over two hundred times in the span of ten days, cutting every single night

it scares me even more than i cut one hundred times in _one _night

but it scares me the most when i cut just because i want to. just because i love how it feels

i don't even particularly _want_ to

i suppose i want to want it  
  


i want to be addicted again

i want to have more proof that i'm _not_ okay

<strike>i want to punish myself</strike>


	35. HAS HAD GUD DAY MUST RANT

_quick hard sigh_:alright you've talked me into it i'll tell you

so ya boi woke up this morning in another state in my dad's childhood home where one of his brothers and sisters live, my aunt and uncle, and we drove the four hours to their house for a surprise birthday party for one of my uncles even though his birthday was in march, i digress. i woke up after having a very good day yesterday playing with cats and hanging out with family and chatting, and we all just hung out after breakfast while some people showed up and set up tents and tables and chairs and shit and we talked and said hello to friends and other family as they came through and we all eventually went outside and ate and played frisbee and chatted in our own groups (cliques never leave you) and then my cousin Savannah showed up and we hugged and talked and i love her oh my gosh so very much i missed her and my mom and i went back inside bcuz it was hOT and we said hello to my cousin Charlotte when she came around 4 and she is my favorite i would die for her i love her and my aunts and uncles are the best and i actually f_ound somewhere i could go if my home life ever got too bad bcuz my aunt believes that God made us queer n trans and He doesn't make mistakes and i could stay with her if my parents ever got too bad oh my gosh i needed to hear the shit she told me uuuuuuuuuugh i didn't actually come out to her but my gOODNESS SHE WOULD TOTALLY HOUSE ME AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH I LOVE MY FAMILY AND THEY LIVE FOUR HOURS AWAY WHYYYYY_

_ahem_:anyway tl;dr your local trash gremlin has had a good weekend and is on cloud fucking nine rn and i just wanted to share :)

  
aLSO WE HAVE A FASHION DESIGNER IN THE FAMILY AND HE IS SOOOO CUTE AND _SUPER GAY I LOVE HIM EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER EVEN TALKED TO HIM AND DON'T KNOW HIS NAME_

okay i'm done now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sO hyper rn can you tell?????


	36. soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, don't know what this was about but here have a poem

it is usually thought of people who believe in soulmates to be silly, young and naive

but i tell you now, i believe in soulmates

i believe that each person has a hundred soulmates 

i believe that over the course of your life you will meet people that you will have such a deep connection with that there could be no other explanation 

each person in this world is made whole, i do not believe that another completes you, but i do believe that another may compliment you

we are not single puzzle pieces put together to make a picture, we are our own pictures

you may see us in a gallery and you would see how one painting is beautiful alone, but when you take another painting and put them together you get more of the story that they share with one another

so yes, when you ask me if i believe in soulmates i would tell you of the friends and lovers and the connections that i've had over the years

i would tell you how a single star may be good on its own, but what about millions upon billions of them all together in the sky in beautiful harmony

wouldn't you say they go quite well together?


	37. Celestial Sorrows

The Sun and the Moon were once lovers  
As free and beautiful as a pair of plovers  
But through my heart you've driven your spears  
And I have been crying for a thousand years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil smn smn about my ex and i lmao  
thanks to my friends Jasper and Fae for helping me with this!!


	38. idfk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: transphobic brother

ever since my brother said, and i quote, "don't indulge her" when our friend Bryce called me Quinn instead of *deadname* i've been super insecure about correcting Bryce when he calls me *deadname*. like, we've talked about it and he doesn't care and he respects me and my choices and decisions, but what if my mother hears me correcting him or even worse what if i correct him while my brother is in the party with us? i'm just so fucking messed up about this and i hate it


	39. being aspec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of two entries for the night, this one a direct excerpt from my personal journal written 10/12/19 aka yesterday

so i'm pretty sure i'm asexual. basically the requirement of being asexual or aspec is to have little to now sexual attraction. which is me.

when i think about it, i haven't experienced sexual attraction in a while. i thought it was just because i was getting really good at being a feminist or whatever.

but when i really think about it, i only want to try sex for the pleasure it could give me and because i'm curious about what i would like or how things would feel or taste.

ao i'm not a sex-repulsed asexual, i'd be up to try with the right person but if i never get the chance then it's whatever.

i swear i'm the literal embodiment of the sexuality spectrum.

straight, over-invested ally, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, lesbian, queer (attracted to female-presenting).

female, demigirl, non-binary.

(?), demisexual, asexual.  
  


it's ridiculous, honestly.

even my name, as well!

i was fine with *deadname* for the longest time, but then it was Jay and Andromeda and now it's Quinn  
  


absolutely bonkers i tell ya


	40. trouble in paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw pet death, tw self-harm, and tw religion i guess. i go heavily in depth about the death of my pet cat so yeah don't read this. i just need to get it out, please don't read this. i don't want anyone to hurt from this. please. just don't

some days i feel like i still haven't forgiven God for taking Trinity from me

or putting me in this fucking family

Trinity was my cat. she was _my _cat. we had her since i was like one and she was mine

i loved her with everything i had

i still do

~

Trinity died over a year ago, june fourteenth 2018

she died over the course of three days, it was slow and it was awful and it was painful

for her and for me

~

i will never forgive myself for not being there when she died, but my brother and my sister-in-law were with her and my brother tells me he's glad i wasn't

~

i don't know how long it was after she died that my dad and my brother called me into my parent's room. she was laying on the bed and i just knew. she wasn't breathing. there was a yellow stain on the quilt next to her, i think she either drowned or had a heart attack. it wasn't pretty, either way

i walked around the edge of the bed and when i saw her face-

oh God when i saw her face

her jaw was slack and her eyes were wide, the fur on her chin was wet

i walked to the other side of the bed, and i put my hands down on it so i wouldn't fall when my dad drew my attention back to him and he told me what happened and what we would do. i think he told me that we would wait until my mother got home to bury her, i don't exactly remember

i do remember that a few seconds after my dad and brother left the room to give me space with her i feel to my knees and screamed

~

i had prayed for three days for God to save her, i had _begged _for three days for God to save her

but He didn't

i had never prayed so much or so hard in my life, and i don't think i have since

but i guess God just couldn't fucking do it

~

after a while of having my head buried in my arms sobbing, i shakily stood up and went to pick her up

~

to this day i wish i hadn't

~

she was so limp

i didn't expect her to be so limp

in a way i'm glad i got to hold her one last time

but when i came back to her an hour later rigor had set in 

and i think that destroyed anything that was left of me when i tried to pick her up again

that night as i lay in my bed i started to shake, and sob

rather violently i might add

i began recounting the entire day to myself out loud in a broken voice, interrupted by hiccups and sobs

after screaming for a few more minutes, i took my comforter and went out the back door to sit in front of her grave

~

this is something i would do many times in the following months i quickly learned

~

and i sobbed

and i screamed

and i cried

and most of all i screamed at God

how could He do this to me?

how could He take way my touchstone, my greatest friend, my Trinity

how could He take her away from me after everything that had happened in my life

how could He take her from me during one of the worst periods in my life

~

the next morning, my brother so lovingly told me how he didn't get any sleep at all because of my screaming (he was sleeping in the room across from me at the time)

~

i have never forgiven him for that

~

i think it's rather curious how i didn't cut at all that june

in july and august i only cut twice, once in each month

but in september i cut a hundred and sixty-four times

and in october i cut two hundred and thirty-six times in ten days

after that i quit for a while, but in november i cut eleven times

old habits die hard, huh?

i haven't cut in over a month

i suppose that's cause for celebration, but i think i'll hold off on it

once i haven't cut in over two months i'll think about it

two months would be a new record after all


	41. : )

I👏AM👏SO👏FUCKING👏SICK👏OF👏MY👏FAMILY'S👏T R A N S P H O B I A


	42. names

i'm just?? so confused???

like i hate my birthname, i know that with a 100% certainty and i love Quinn as my name, but i have such weird and confusing feelings about it?

basically i treat my birthname and old pronouns as another person, a persona if you will. with my mother, i have to censor about 95% of my personality and have to respond to *birthname* and she/her all the time, and i'll have to do so for the next four years or so. i'm just so detached from it, and it's a super concerning coping mechanism??

and i've realized recently that i kind of treat Quinn and they/them the same way

i'm sure i can chalk this all up to confusing teenage hormones, but i feel like it's something more than that, something more psychological yk?

i'm not explaining this right, i know that. but i have absolutely no idea how to go about explaining it _correctly_

i don't even treat my birthname and other pronouns as another person, that's not right

man, i just have so much trauma huh? and i wan to have everything figured out _now _rather than later and it's putting so much stress on me but i don't know how to stop thinking like this

fuck i need therapy

but that's another thing, i can't even _go _to therapy! we can't afford it, and i can't help but feel like it would be a huge waste of money

<strike></strike>so i'm just fucked any way you slice it

uuuuugh why can't life be simple and straightforward for once


	43. :D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> j, l, you know who you are go away

lemme just start out with life is fucking crazy ya'll

like

yk tfw you're kind of in a polyam qpp and it's amazing and you're lowkey-not-so-lowkey in love with those nerds

as you do

i just?? love them??? 

i've not even known them for a month yet rIP

ONE OF THEM I MET LIKE TWO DAYS AGO ABGKALUSBDGLIU

we all just fucking clicked and it's amazinggggg

and the fact that both of them are kinky as shit and enable me is nice too i suppose >:3


	44. what is this?? growth????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talk of previous self-harm

it's been like two months since i've self-harmed????

i'm fucking making progress??????????????

for context i've only ever gone a single month without relapsing again since i started this whole mess so making it two full months without doing anything is like huge for me

i'm actually really happy with myself holy shit

and my life? is so much better?? i've been pretty consistently happy for a long time and i am fucking _ecstatic_ about the entire thing


	45. long distance relationships can suck my ass

I HAVE DECIDED THAT DISTANCE IS A HOMOPHOBIC BITCH AND SHOULD BE ILLEGAL

IT WAS CREATED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO LIMIT THE GAYS' POWER AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT

like

me an my baby talk every night right

we soft bitches

we complement each other and throw love and validation at each other all the time

and like??

all i want to do is cuddle them?????

but they're in japan right now for some bitchass reason

and they live in florida which is like real far from michigan

and i'm just

why are they not in my arms at this exact second so i can tell them how much i love them in person???

aLSO WE EXCHANGED SELFIES LAST NIGHT AND THEY'RE LITERALLY GORGEOUS???????

I AM UNDESERVING OF SUCH BEAUTY AND I CALL BULLSHIT


	46. being mushy on main again

okay so i'm feeling sappy again and i have to write about it

so now you have to deal with it

>:D

aNYWAY

so the thing i'm currently really sappy about is this memory from like uhhhhh twoish years ago

i went to this church camp at a college that's around five hours away from me

and i went with all the teens from my church's youth group

i was in a dorm room with three other girls and we had a great time as roomies

not the point moving on

one of the girls i was dormed with was Jaelynn and she's awesome

she's one of my only straight friends now that i think about it

well

that i know of anyway

i really have to stay on track 

so Jaelynn and i were sitting in a booth outside of a chick-fil-a on campus and we were talking and goofing around

and then we decided to start singing Gary Jules' mad world for some reason

and we didn't even sing the entire song, just until we couldn't remember any more of the lyrics

and when we were finished the group of four boys in the booth behind us(i think they were playing poker) started to applause

and like?? that's never happened before???

i mean _i_ thought we sounded good but it's different coming from strangers, yk?

the whole memory of us singing and the clapping is just

_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

this is a train wreck of an entry but i don't even care i'm so mushy rn and holy crap i'm reminiscing about that entire trip

it was only four days long but so much happened in those four days and it was my first time bunking with that many people

and i only ever saw the people there once a week so seeing them every day for four days straight was crazy

and just? happy memories are so nice? and i love looking back on them a bunch?

anyway that's it for now, i hope this was legible in some way XD


	47. parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: parental abuse; mention of previous self-harm

i think it's funny, no i think it's hilarious how the children of horrible parents still love them. it does not matter what they did to us, we will still love them because they are our parents. they raised us. we have no choice but to love them.

my mother is cold and harsh and cruel. but she is also kind, she feeds me and she looks after me. she screams at me but she loves me.

she is the cause of so many scars but she is also the cause of so much joy.

my parents have never beaten me, but then, they've never had to. my parents are so good at using their words to break me. my father once did it with one.

my parents say that they love us, that they love each other, but how can they when they do these things. how can they love anyone when they treat them like this

the funniest part about all of this is that my mother is a christian. she is a God-fearing woman and she tells me that she does her absolute best to live the life that God wants for her. that she tries to always be kind. that she tries to reign in her temper. 

i wonder what God thinks of my mother


	48. one of the reasons i started to self-harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: in depth talk of previous self-harm; reasons behind self-harm; number of self-harm scars; abusive family; abusive father; abusive brother; familial neglect

i am so sick of the phrase 'suck it up' on the subject of pain

let me give a little context-

every since i can remember, i've never been allowed to be in pain

ever

unless i was physically crippled from the pain, it wasn't there

my father can't feel pain(a lie), so no one else can

i remember when i was little, around the ages of 7-11 

my brother and i loved to have nerf gun wars

but when i was younger i couldn't handle pain

like

at all

every time i got shot with a nerf dart i cried because it was so painful

and my brother didn't like that

so i got made fun of every day for it

i still do years later

and every time i was in pain i was told to suck it up

the phrase 'grow a thicker skin' is particularly triggering for me along with 'suck it up' in the context of pain

but you know what? i did

i grew a thicker skin

but not in the way i believe my family intended

i was twelve the first time i had cut myself

i think it was in the last few months of the year, but i'm not sure

but it was that phrase, among other things, that finally broke me

i took the phrase literally, although i knew it wasn't meant that way

you see, scar tissue is thicker than normal skin

and since that day two years ago, i have cut more than a thousand times

the scars litter my body, and not all of them are from cutting

i always thought it was fascinating how the hair on my left arm is more sparse than my right

a very interesting way to learn that hair doesn't grow on scar tissue, don't you think?


	49. A DAY OF F L U F F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> absolutely no triggers this is just pure fluff and wholesome shit also this is really fucking weird because i know Leo reads this but whateeeeeeeeeeverrr

okay so

i'm just gonna

rant 

about my partners

because i love them and i'm soft for them

yes i know i'm a sap shut up

mKAY

SO

MY BABIES

WHERE DO I BEGIN

L and Leo

Leo and L

the walking shitposts

ugh i love the both of them so much

i know i'm going to be basically saying the same things about both of them

.

..

...

...........................................

yeah that was it thank you for coming to my ted talk buckle up bitches we're going for a ride

L

my darling

my slonezcko

moje serce

she is an absolute idiot and i love her to pieces

i've never met her, as she lives 8,000 miles away with a fourteen-hour time difference, but hey

it's

not

_that _far

right?

** _;-;_ **

anygay

she is absolutely stunning in every way and i could, and have, gone on for hours about it

Leo

my baby

my rojenia

moje krochie

he is also an idiot

but

guess what

i also love him to pieces

beCAUSE I'M PREDICTABLE OKAY SHUT UP

good news though! he only lives about an hour thirty away, and i've met him twice now

the second time was today

and Whew Boy

am i going to scream about that

_forever_

probably now

definitely now

yeah i'm gonna do that right now

:D

Get Ready For The Rant Of Your Life

well first of all today was the first time i've been kissed in two years

and my first kiss story is Not A Fun One :)

bUT

THESE ONES WERE A W E S O M E

oh my gosh the pure Domestic Bliss i had today 

we were baking bread and cookies 

alone

and

he had his arms around my waist

and kissed my cheek

like every five minutes

and we were so fucking sappy 

it was the Best:tm:

we also cuddled

a Lot

that was also Real Good Shit

just

all of today? was amazing? and i have to live in this house for the next four-ish years of my life without him and i'm Salty

can you tell

because everyone else can

Fucking Kidnap Me Already

>:(

we're getting off-track

oh well

the both of them are just?? so gorgeous????? and so nice and kind and they both love me so much and good fuck i love them too and i just

want

to

c r y

for fucks sake the first thing i did not even five minutes after Leo left was spam his discord

to be fair

he did the exact same thing

so

...

i'm just

hhHHHHH

SO FULL OF LOVE FOR THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS

AND I WANT TO LIVE IN A COZY APARTMENT WITH THEM

AND BAKE WITH THEM

AND WATCH HORRIBLE HALLMARK MOVIES WITH THEM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay i'm done 

for now


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: allusion to abusive parents; cursing

i don't know if i find this funny or depressing

zombies 2 came out on the fourteenth right? 

good movie, would recommend, the soundtrack slaps

except

the

fuckin

the movie revolved around how one of the main characters never belonged anywhere

and she thought she did for a second

and then it turn out she doesn't belong Anywhere

and dammit if that doesn't strike a chord

i have a family

a _real _family

they love me

they support me

i love and appreciate them so much

they all make me so happy

but i still...

i don't know

since i only ever see one of them in person, Leo, and even then it's maybe once a month, they dont feel..

real

i guess

they're detached from my life in a way

i feel as if i'm being ungrateful to them

i just

yeah this is just depressing that this entire thing started with a disney movie

this spiral has been going on ever since i watched the movie and gets worse everyday

my house life doesn't exactly help either

father is always worse in the winter

mother is just...always bad

and ever since i came out to them and discovered a thing called confidence and standing up for myself, they are so much angrier with me

school is just

stressful without all this

so yeah i'm doing Great

i just have to

focus

on the good

my family, my partners, things that make me happy

_mmmmmyeahi'llbefine_


	51. So Much Is Happening All The Time H e l p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: nsfw, not descriptive but the focus of this entry

what even is life anymore my dudes

in the past what

four months?

my life has been Nonstop Crazy

i've never been happier, of course, and i love my life

but what

the Fuck

basically

my boyfriend Damien(formerly Leo)

introduced me

to his friends

River and Chase

and i love the crackhead bastards

including Damien and L these fuckers are my family

but i may

have fucked

three of them

which would be fine if i was dating all of them

but i'm only dating Two

Chase right

funny guy, and so nice oh my gosh

also cute

but not the point

i don't

know Exactly where it came from

but it al started when i asked how big his dick is

and he told me

and about two hours later we had fucked and it was Amazing

it was phone sex obviously but still

i

i don't know what to do with the information i have on him

we're still friends and we still hangout

But It's A Bit Awkward Yk

i still like him

and Damien-not to be a snitch-snitched on him by telling me that Chase likes me too

or did at the point of telling Damien 

and i

like what do i do in this scenario

talking to him and hearing his voice is kinda painful

and when he uses That voice for some joke i just

i mean wow

I Can't Function Please Help

i'll get over it eventually obviously but holy shit 

we haven't talked about that night Ever

and it's been a while since

and i just

i mean i know how he feels because Damien told me 

but i really want to hear it from him yk?

so i texted him like twenty minutes ago

and i'm Terrified

probably won't get anything until tomorrow if anytime soon at all

and again

what

do i

do

h e l p

i shall drown my sorrows in monster and Randy Feltface this is fine


	52. humor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drinking, underage drinking, mentions of abuse and pedophilia and cheating,

the day after i outed my father 

as an abuser

and a pedophile

and a cheater

my family and i sat down at the table after dinner and played cards

we were there for hours

laughing and smiling

it was my mother's birthday and this is what she wanted

but when i mentioned that i was thinking about having some tequila in my lemonade

i never expected my father to tell me and get it

but he did

and then we did shots

i had maybe a half shot in a full glass of lemonade

my brother, mother, and father all had full shots of the rest of the bottle

my brother is also under the legal drinking age, by the way

it was also his first full shot

then father went and passed a bottle of rum around

again, it was only a single shot each

except for me

my family knows i have an intolerance to alcohol

if i have any kind of hard liquor straight i have a tendency to get very sick

but my father put a half shot of rum in front of me anyway

i wasn't made to drink it

but i was pressured

and i knew i would get made fun of for years for being a coward

so i took it

and for the next six hours my stomach hurt like hell

and i hate that this is normal

it's not something we do often, of course

it's only happened twice

but it's

normal

in a way i suppose

and i don't know whether to laugh at it or to cry

but that's a common struggle for me


	53. this is Awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want you reading this Damien  
tw: self-negativity; breakups; illusion to abusive household; self-harm; suicidal thoughts/tendencies; pill mention; alcohol mention; illusion to drinking; illusion to underage drinking

so guess who just :)

broke up :)

with both of their partners : )

L is in a different time zone, so I won't know where we stand until kit wakes up and we talk

But Still :)

i think it's Neat how Damien didn't fight me on this

all he said was that he didn't think isolating myself would help anything

and he's right 

but what the fuck

it's not his fault, and i don't even know if i would've given on the matter

but i

really thought he would fight for me i don't know

L is

or did

i texted them at like four am which was six pm for L 

and i had fallen asleep by the time kit texted me

i just

Damien and L are all i have

the only people i talk to

are Damien

L

and Ryver who's a mutual friend of ours

which i probably won't talk to again because Ryver and Damien have a thing for each other

and they're best friends and have been for a while

Long before me

so that's

:)

wonderful

but hey this is what i wanted right?

i wanted to break up with my partners

so they wouldn't have to deal with me 

especially when i'm like this

because i mean

home life is just the Best right now

because i couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut

and neither could mother

I'm Just Having The Greatest Time Right Now And It's Lovely

_ <strike>i have never wanted to cut more in my life or more seriously considered swallowing a bottle of pills</strike> _

i wish we had some fucking tequila in this house


	54. gettin real fucking sick of this shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: homophobia; religion

I love how every time mother and I talk about her views on LGBTQ+ people it's _always _a problem of religion for her

And she loses her shit when I disagree

Even if I wasn't queer I'm not gonna vote to have someone's _right to marriage _taken away because of my fucking religion

She thinks it's a difference of politics for us

But it's not

It's really fucking not 

It's a difference of morals

But she's not budging on the matter whatsoever and I've given up on her

If she wants to be a homophobic bitch who forces her religion on everyone that's her choice

When I get out of here in three years it won't be my problem anymore


	55. Would not recommend breaking up when you're already touched starved because it can and will get worse m'dudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: being used sexually; breakups

I don't know why but tonight I just really miss Damien. For the last few weeks of our relationship I kept..growing apart from him I guess. Things I once found cute and endearing weren't anymore. He was always so. Much. He was either so very depressed or his personality was all-consuming. He had two modes and it drained me at the end. But tonight? I miss him. I haven't missed him once since I broke up with him, and I've always held that against myself. I only missed what he gave me. He was the only person who ever gave me positive physical affection, and also the first relationship I had where I actually met them in real life. 

He made me feel. Normal. Like every other teenager. And I'm not sad in the crying mess way, more in the resigned way. I remember when we played Minecraft together every day. We would play gravity on the Hive for hours on end, always on the leaderboard trying to beat the other in rank. I remember when he would hold me, and we would talk about stupid stuff. Or when he would lay on his stomach and I would run my fingers through his hair and we wouldn't say anything. We would just. Exist together. And I really miss that. 

And then I think about L. Before we were even officially dating we would spend _hours_ talking. There were nights when we would go back and forth complimenting each other and saying what we loved most about the other. 

I miss my dzieci. I miss them both so much. 

I miss my family too. Not my biological family, of course, they can go fuck themselves. But the family I found. Damien and L, Ryver and Chase, and me. Every weekend we would all get on Minecraft and do the _stupidest _shit together. But that family fell apart. Chase was the biggest r/niceguy I've _ever _met and used me sexually, and then threw me away and lied to me afterward. I fucked things up with Damien before I broke up with him. Then L broke up with me. And I've only talked to Ryver once since I broke up with Damien, as they're his friend more than mine and I've never hung out with them without Damien. 

I'm just in a reflective mood tonight I suppose. Thems the vibes. 


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abusive and toxic parents; self-harm; self-hatred

All it took was one bad day to put me back right there. Last night I had to do everything not to relapse. Again. Last night was the first time I hated how I looked in almost a week, which is the longest I've ever gone ever since I can remember. Because of him. And her. All of them. I finally spoke out against my parents and my brother and their _constant _abuse. And father thinks I'm crazy. Legitimately clinically crazy. Because I think they abuse me. And since 'we're not as bad as our parents were to us' and I'm 'so sensitive', they don't. My brother _saw_ her hit me in the head, and sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

So father's getting me a therapist. Luckily he's not a complete idiot, and knows that if he or mother chose a therapist for me I wouldn't say a word so they're allowing me to choose. Unfortunately however I can't get the one I really want as they're over an hour away, but there's one about twenty minutes away that should be okay

I'm terrified. The horror stories I've heard about counseling scare me. What if who I choose is one of the bad ones? What if they're lying about being LGBTQ+ friendly so they can invalidate me? I don't know what to do and I have _no one_ to talk to. The girl I like is online maybe once a week and never for long enough. I think I love her and that just adds so much more onto everything that's going on right now, let alone what's happening to the world with the BLM and ACAB movements. 


	57. it's wild y'all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: breakups, apathy

hi I'm not dead

so I think because I never really got around to processing what happened in may (L breaking up with me) I haven't been able to process or take in anything that's happening since

therefore

nothing feels real

and hasn't in months tbh

like corona?? being Legally Required to wear a mask of some kind of you go outside??? I can only recognize that that's Crazy from like

a third person perspective, completely unemotionally attached to my life

I'm so

Numb

it's just so fucking weird Knowing it's weird but not being able to care about it

and mother fucker I need friends

like I have One friend and it's been six days since I talked to her

and she always says she'll be more active but she never is, and I don't blame her or anything, she has a life and I have no right to order her around or anything but I mean. c'mon man

anyway if you wanna play minecraft with me hmu I play everyday I have literally nothing else to do :)


	58. Chapter 58

I will not live past my seventeenth birthday


End file.
